Needs vs. Needy
A Chrismissive by Christopher W. Quigley
There’s a store in Nova Scotia called Needs. The name is almost too perfect. It doesn’t promise wants, delights, or everything you ever dreamed of. It promises what you need , and even then, just the basics. A liter of milk. Some eggs. A bottle of ginger ale and a vaguely stale hotdog you convince yourself is still good. It’s not where you go for an extravagant charcuterie board. It’s where you go in sweatpants at 10:47 p.m. to patch a minor hole in your evening.
Relationships should be like Needs. They don’t have to be everything. No one is suggesting your partner needs to be your therapist, your cheerleader, and your emotional support animal. But they should carry the essentials. The metaphorical milk and eggs of human connection. That really shouldn’t be too much to ask.
I was in a relationship where the basics slowly went out of stock. Not in the cute “we just sold out” way, but in the “this location hasn’t carried that in years” kind of way. I adapted. I tried diplomacy. Long winded letters. I rephrased my emotional needs in lighter tones, in smaller portions, hoping they’d go down easier. Sometimes, I’d float a hopeful treaty disguised as a joke. But it didn’t work ,not when the person across from me made it clear they weren’t interested in negotiating. I wasn’t in a relationship. I was in a cold war. A border dispute with someone who thought compromise was weakness.
So began the war of attrition. Each side entrenched. No movement. No flexibility. Just the slow erosion of connection. I was not asking for anything extravagant. Just basics, a little tender time, maybe a Slurpee's worth of closeness. When that was denied long enough, I stopped requesting, and desire slowly eroded. I started pleading silently. And pleading outloud, but no matter how well dressed the plead, I felt like I was going to labeled as being needy.
But here’s the truth: when your needs go unmet, you become needy.
Not because you’re flawed. Not because you’re dramatic or too grand. But because you’re human. And humans , like plants , will stretch toward the light, even if it’s faint and flickering. We ration our expectations, root ourselves in thinner and thinner soil, and call it resilience. But there comes a point when you have to stop blaming the plant for wilting and start asking why it was planted in such poor conditions to begin with.
But know this, being called or thinking you’re needy is a deflection. It’s how people avoid admitting they’ve let you down or admit you’ve been let down. They reframe your deprivation as your dysfunction. They’ll say things like, “I can’t be everything to you,” or flat out say, “I am not able or willing to meet all your needs”, when you weren’t even asking for that. You just wanted them to care a bit more about the request. To try. To be present and know their needs are not the only ones to be considered.
Needs are not luxuries. They are not excess. They are the foundation on which relationships are built. And if someone treats your needs like burdens, it might be time to find a new store.
Preferably one that’s open 24 hours.
It took me longer than I’d like to admit to understand that asking for what I need isn’t needy. It’s honest. And honesty, I’ve learned, is non negotiable.
What are your basics?
And when did you last ask for them out loud?
