wake up

My need to be heard goes ignored

I holler into the abyss

a voice does not echo back

there is just silence

Silence, a physical weight holding me down

I speak up

I ask to lift the weight

My need to be heard goes ignored

The cycle continues

I lash out

My pleas go unheard

The pain, the frustration, the anger, the remorse

and the loneliness deliver a never-ending nightmare of silence

My need to be heard goes ignored

the only way out is to wake up...

is to wake up

...just, wake up.

discipline

Undisciplined people are the ones that pray for miracles to happen to them, but they don't do any work to make those miracles happen themselves.

Don't be that person.

Instead, work when no one else is working.

Yes, sometimes work can indeed wait until tomorrow. Sometimes other things in life also need to happen at the same time. And I'm not suggesting you should never sleep, eat or drink water… What I am saying is: If you want to become wealthy and experience business success, then do so by putting in long hours of work when everyone else is asleep, eating or drinking something cold or warm outside of regular meal times. You don't have to get up before dawn every day (although Warren Buffett does), but don't feel guilty about getting up early, say, around 7 a.m., if that's the only time you have to work on your business.

So that's it then? You just get up earlier than everyone else and that's all there is to it? No, not at all… It won't be easy. Of course, it won't be, because becoming an entrepreneur is hard work! But what sounds like hard work will make your life easier in the long run (provided you do the right things). At last, with this early start to your day, you'll finally manage to build a solid foundation for your business or company without having too many distractions (other people wanting your attention) pop up along the way.

What I mean by "distractions" is having to do things like going to a networking event, giving a speech at an event, attending a board meeting for your company or even worse: Being interviewed by the press about something controversial. Believe me, you don't want to give media interviews when you're still trying to get things off the ground!

Don't worry though—you can still be social and go out from time to time. Keep in mind that you need other people in order work on important tasks… You just have to find the right balance between working and enjoying yourself. So, keep that social life alive but cut down on how often you meet with friends, so you have more time to build your business while everyone else sleeps ;-)

When you finally become wealthy enough not to have to work for a living, you'll look back and wonder how it was possible that you ever had time for all those social activities. After all, there are only twenty-four hours in each day—and you should spend at least eight of them sleeping (even though I'm not suggesting that you should get up before dawn every single day).

That's pretty much it then: Get up early and focus on building your business while everyone else is still sleeping; Just make sure to take care of yourself by eating right and getting enough sleep while avoiding other things like smoking, drinking too much alcohol or spending too much time sitting down in front of the television (unless it's to watch educational programs) . You don't want to do anything foolish that compromises your health. You'll eventually see results for your efforts. But once you become successful by earning passive income, then you can finally enjoy some well-deserved rest after everything making sacrifices for your business.

And oh yeah—don't forget to go outside at least once or twice per week without having your smartphone with you. By taking regular breaks from the internet while being outdoors will help to reset both your mind and body. If possible, make sure these outdoor breaks involve physical exercise like hiking, biking or swimming.

Just remember: Success doesn't happen overnight and it's not easy to achieve and it won't be easy but do so anyway! You have to keep at it day after day after day, month after month and year after year until you finally reach your goal. There's no other way around it… You have to become an entrepreneur who works long hours every day of the week from morning until night! … Or at least from morning until early evening.

much manic

Mental illness symptoms manifest in various ways, depending on the type of illness. Some common symptoms include feeling sad or down, feeling anxious or worried, having low energy, feeling tired all the time, eating too much or too little, sleeping too much or too little, and experiencing aches and pains with no known physical cause. My particular brand is that I deal with both manic and depressive episodes; medication helps but it's not 100% effective but it's close. During a depressive episode, it feels like there's these pains and aches inside me that won't go away no matter what I do, and I can't focus on anything or make decisions. Everything feels pointless, and it’s hard to feel like you're the only one going through something when it feels like no one understands. It's also hard to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself. Thankfully the medications have all but eliminated the downward spirals I would have to endure without them, but I still have to deal with the highs which are just as bad in their way.

Mania is the complete opposite of the depressive state. It is quite hard to describe what it is like to have a manic episode, my house does not get deep cleaned nor does everything organized and neat, but I have mopped all the walls a few times in my life. For me it not full blown like it used to be, it kind of feels like a whirlwind of intense emotions, racing thoughts, irrational behaviors, sometimes partnered with aggression, and irritability. I often feel like I am disconnected from myself. I'll say things that I wouldn't normally say and do things that I wouldn't normally do. My thoughts rule my actions during these episodes, and I am unable to control them, no matter how hard I try. There is no one-size-fits-all definition of a manic episode, but mine hurt my relationships and the people I care about most. It's not until I look back at the wreckage that I realize what damage has been done.

These episodes are extremely difficult to deal with and it can be hard to function like a (believe me I use this term lightly) "normal" person, and those close to me often feel like they are walking on eggshells. It's still hard to accept this fact about myself and my health, and even still I feel ashamed and embarrassed about it, but I've found discussing this with people has helped me immensely. I'm not always willing to be open about this, it's problematic when I'm not open because it makes me feel like I'm hiding something, and that's not a good feeling. I'm also aware it's risky to discuss this topic because people can be quick to judge or dismiss you, it can hurt my chances with new friends, employment or it can hurt my business, but I get tired of hiding.

I know that my manic episodes aren't just a "phase" they're a part of who I am, and they seem like they’re never going away. I take my medication daily and it helps but the manic episodes can be triggered by a myriad of things, from major stress and a change in routine to not getting enough sleep. It's frustrating, and it's hard, but I'm trying to be more understanding and accepting of them.

What I find most difficult is explaining and apologizing for the behavior after the fact. I know that I act out of character during these times, it's as if I'm living in a world where nothing else matters except for my thoughts and feelings. How does one apologize for that? How do you have someone understand that it's not really you? How do you say that you didn't mean the hurtful things you said or the reckless things you did? I'm still learning how to deal with this, and I know that I have a long way to go. Until I was 45, I tried to tough it out on my own, and I had gotten used to covering up the symptoms of my manias by shifting blame, or by thinking that I could control my actions which was never successful and only made things worse in the long run. I used the manic times as a coping mechanism and got used to them and it led to a lot of self-destructive behavior. I was in a really bad place for a long time. It's also hard trying to find the right words to say when I’m manic because my thoughts are racing and feel like I’m on a high, the words were always wrong, and I could never seem to get them out right.

I try to let my friends know what to expect and ask for their support, but this is where I tend to fall short. I often don't want to burden them or make them feel like they have to "deal" with me, so I still hold back. But in doing so, I only end up hurting myself and the people that I care about. I'm still working on this, and I hope to get better at it with time. Until then, I'll continue to try to be understanding and accepting, and try to ride them out the best that I can. And hopefully, someday soon, I'll be able to find the right words to say during these times.

It's vital to note that not everyone who has a severe depression or bipolar disorder experiences manic episodes, and not all individuals who have a manic episode have all of the symptoms. I'm unsure what the future holds for me, but if I am able to assist someone out there who is suffering or at least locate people who are more understanding and accepting then its worth it. 

& boundaries

I was told yesterday that my way of dealing with personal boundaries was much like that of a dog, that I just come up to them invade and lick their face, not literally of course, if that makes sense. I am very affectionate once I get to know someone, but I try not to be too overwhelming. But at times much like a dog, I run in full force, tail wagging, excited and full of energy and only then I back off when the other person backs away from me or if they seem uncomfortable.

I need to learn to be more aware of other people's personal space and how they react to my nature. I'm not like cats, cats have boundaries and are aware of them, and they are constantly enforcing them and reminding you of them, however the goalposts move for cats so you never really know what will be a boundary one day and acceptable the next, one day they run hot and the next day cold and will treat you with utter indifference and irrelevancy . I tend to just go in hot all the time and then adjust my behavior as needed, which is not always the best approach.

This was a really good analogy for me, and it put into perspective how I need to respect certain peoples boundaries more. Thank you for sharing that! I will always be asking if people are a dog or cat person from now on, I think it will be really helpful.

Recognizing and respecting personal boundaries has not always been easy for me, I grew up with an abusive parent where boundaries were not respected. As a result, I have learned to be very both sensitive to other people's personal space and how they react when I cross it and oblivious to boundaries that I should not be crossing. It has taken me a long time to learn how to read people and their body language, and even longer to put that knowledge into practice.

But over the years, I have come to realize that respecting personal boundaries is not only the right thing to do, but it is also the key to having healthy and fulfilling relationships. When I am able to respect someone's boundaries, they feel safe around me and more open to communicating with me. And when I am not respectful of someone's boundaries, they tend to pull away from me and we lose that connection.

So, to have better relationships I try to be very aware of other people's body language and how they are speaking to me. If someone seems uncomfortable or is backing away from me, and this may be real or just my feeling, I will at once stop and back off, but sometimes I need to be told without subtlety to back off, which I will do and respect.

It also means being conscious of other people's space and time, and not crossing those boundaries without permission. It means being aware of how my words or actions might affect someone else and adjusting my behavior accordingly. I tend forget how important boundaries are and sometimes I get lost in the flurry of information and am unable to decipher the subtle or not so subtle cues people give off. This causes problems for me because people then end up feeling like I don't care about them or their feelings, which is not the case at all. I simply need more practice in reading people and fully understanding their boundaries.

Respecting personal boundaries is important to me because it allows me to have healthy and meaningful relationships with others. It shows that I respect and value someone else for who they are as a person, and not just for what they can do for me. It also allows me to be more aware of my own needs and limits, and to set boundaries of my own.

When I violate someone's boundaries, it’s like a breach of trust, and it makes future interactions difficult because that person may be hesitant to let me get close again. By respecting personal boundaries, I can build better relationships with the people around me, ones based on mutual trust and respect. One way that I have found to be helpful in recognizing personal boundaries is to simply ask the person what their boundaries are. This can be a little bit difficult, especially if you don't know the person all that well, but it can be very informative. You might be surprised at what people consider to be proper or not proper behavior. By asking, you are showing that you respect the other person and their boundaries and that you want to make sure that both of you are comfortable with the interaction.

I have also found it helpful to set personal boundaries for myself. I am very guarded with new people, and this can be tricky, as I don't want to seem unapproachable or that I don't want to interact with others. But by setting boundaries, I am showing myself that I respect my own needs and limits. This helps me in interactions with others, as they will know that there are some things that I am not comfortable with and will respect those boundaries. It also helps me to better understand others needs and limits and help me to communicate my needs to others.

It is important to respect other people's boundaries because it allows us to create healthy and meaningful relationships with others. So, try to be aware of how your words or actions might affect someone else, and adjust your behavior accordingly. This means being conscious of other people's space and time, and not crossing those boundaries without permission. It also means listening carefully to what someone is saying, both verbally and nonverbally, to understand their needs and preferences.

Do I always remember to follow this set of rules? No, I don't think anyone does. But I am constantly trying to be more aware of boundaries, both my own and others, and to show respect for those boundaries.

Say Sorry.

I epically messed up with a friend I care about a lot that I would very much like to apologize to, but he is not ready to hear it yet. In the weeks that have passed, I have realized an apology is a privilege that we are neither entitled to give nor have received. It is something that we have to be gracious with when we give one and receive one, it's like a gift. An apology is not a magical fix for everything, but it can be an important step in repairing a broken relationship.

Offering an apology has to be real, it has to be something that we feel in our hearts. And even if we do feel that way, there are other things we have to consider before extending that olive branch. Our words have to be chosen with care because an apology is a powerful thing. It can rebuild relationships, mend fences, and start fresh beginnings but it can also be rejected, and that can be just as damaging.

So how do we go about giving an apology that will mean something? And more importantly, how do we make sure that it is accepted? There is no one size fits all answer to this question, but there are a few things to keep in mind when extending an apology.

First, we need to take a look at ourselves and our motivations. Why are we apologizing? Is it because we genuinely feel bad about what we’ve done and want to make things right? Or are we doing it for other reasons? If our motivation is anything other than genuine remorse, then an apology is probably not the right thing to do.

Second, we need to take a look at the other person and their feelings. Is this person someone that we care about? Do they mean something to us? If the answer is yes, then we need to think about what we’re apologizing for. What did we do that made them upset? And more importantly, are we willing to listen to their side of the story and try to understand how they feel? If the answer is no, then maybe we shouldn’t apologize. Maybe we just need to stay away from that person until we can be genuine in our apology, and we need to be okay with the fact that the other person may not want to talk to us or may never want to speak to us again.

Third, timing is important. An apology should never be rushed, especially if it’s for something serious. We need to make sure that we have time to think about what we want to say and how we want to say it.

Fourth, an apology should be personal. We shouldn’t just send a generic message or post something on social media. We need to take the time to talk to the person face-to-face or on the phone. That way, they know that we’re serious about what we’re saying. An apology doesn’t fix everything overnight. It takes time and effort to rebuild a relationship that has been damaged.

Fifth, if we decide that an apology is the right thing to do, we need to make sure that it is genuine. We can’t just say the words “I’m sorry” and expect everything to be okay. We need to mean it. We also need to be prepared for the possibility that the apology might not be accepted and if the other person doesn’t feel like we’ve considered how they feel, or if they don’t believe that our apology is genuine, then there’s a good chance that it will be rejected.

And finally, we need to be patient. This is where I fall short. I want to rush through the steps, I want everything to be okay right away. But that’s not how it works. An apology is a process, it takes time and effort. We need to be prepared for there to be setbacks and for things to not go back to the way they were before.

The power of an apology should never be underestimated but it can also be an important step in repairing a broken relationship. In my case, I'm unsure if an apology will be sufficient to repair the damage that has been done, but I am hopeful that by taking these things into account, it will at least be a start.

As with most things in life, the key to a successful apology is balance. We need to be genuine in our remorse, but we also need to consider how the other person feels. We need to be patient and prepared for the possibility that our apology might not be accepted. And most importantly, we need to be prepared to put in the hard work required to rebuild the relationship.

Curious??

Being a naturally curious person, one of my favorite things to do is ask people about themselves. I love learning new things, and there's nothing I enjoy more than a good conversation. I like excavating people finding out what makes them tick, what are their passions in life, and what drives them. I think it's so interesting to see how everyone is unique, and I always enjoy getting a glimpse into someone else's world. What gave them their drive, was it a moment or person in their life?

Another one of my favorite questions to ask is "What's your favorite thing about yourself?" It's interesting to see the different responses that people give, and it's a great way to get to know someone. I've heard everything from "I'm a great listener" to "I have a great sense of humor." Everyone has something that they're proud of, and I think it's important to celebrate those things even the small things.

One thing I've learned from asking people about themselves is that everyone has a story. No matter who you are, or what you've been through, you have a unique perspective that can offer insight to others. I think it's so important to share your story, and I believe that every person has the power to make a difference in this world. We all have something special to offer, and it's up to us to share it with the world. That sharing may spark someone else's curiosity, and I hope that more and more people will start to share their stories. It's through those connections that we can start to make a difference in this world.

One topic that always sparks my curiosity is other people's career paths. How did they end up where they are today? What are the challenges they've faced along the way? And what advice would they give to someone just starting in their field? I find these types of stories so inspiring, and I love hearing about the different paths that people have taken to get where they are today.

I've found that there are a lot of different paths you can take to get where you want to be in your career. Some people follow their passion and figure out a way to make it work, while others take a more traditional route and study for years before finding their perfect job. There are no wrong answers, and the most important thing is to find what works best for you. I think it's important to remember that no one has a perfect career path. We all have setbacks and challenges that we have to face, but it's how we deal with those challenges that matter. We can't let our failures define us, but I think that curiosity is what makes us interested in the world around us, and people in our lives and it's what helps us connect with others.

Being curious got me to where I am today. It was part of the reason I went back to school, curiosity allowed me to fall in love, get married, get divorced, it's what led me to move to NYC, start my own business, and it's what keeps me going when things get tough. I'm always exploring new opportunities and trying new things because I want to learn as much as I can. And I think that curiosity is a quality that everyone should embrace. It's what makes us human, and it's what allows us to learn and grow.

I have always been drawn to this saying that got cut short and originally said: “A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one." The popular interpretation of this statement is that if you have a wide range of interests but aren't an expert in anything, and it's a disadvantage. However, I like the full version because it suggests differently. If you are interested in many things and not good at any of them, that is not an ideal situation. However, if you are good at many things, you will be better than someone who is great at one thing but doesn't know anything else. This quote has always resonated with me because I believe it's important to be well-rounded. It's important to have a variety of interests, and it's something that has helped me throughout my career. I've never been content with just doing one thing, and I've always strived to learn as much as I can. I have learned cooking from being curious about how a kitchen is run and what is involved in preparing a meal. I have learned photography from being curious about how cameras work and the different techniques that can be used to capture a moment. And I have learned web development from being curious about how websites are built and how people interact with them. I love cars, I have never rebuilt an engine, replaced a transmission, or anything like that but I read about it, watch videos on it, and have a general understanding of how they work. I also know more about GMC Silverside Busses than one man should know. Curiosity fueled my drive to become a "jack of all trades", and I think it's a quality that makes us unique.

Curiosity has measurable health benefits. A study that was done by the University of California, San Diego, School of Medicine showed that curiosity may help protect your brain from Alzheimer’s disease and dementia. The study found that people who were more curious and engaged in life had less memory decline and brain atrophy as they age. Nurturing curiosity may help keep your brain healthy as you age. This study is important because it shows that curiosity has tangible benefits for our health. It's not just a personality trait, it's something that can help protect our brains from diseases like Alzheimer's. This is something that we should all be aware of, and it's another reason to embrace our curiosity.

Curiosity has also been shown to improve mental health overall. A study that was published in the journal of Personality and Social Psychology showed that people who are curious tend to be happier and more satisfied with their lives. They also had higher self-esteem and were less likely to experience anxiety or depression. This is another important discovery, because it shows that curiosity not only has benefits for our mental health, but it can also improve our overall happiness. When we are curious and engaged in life, we tend to be happier and more satisfied with ourselves.

At some point we have all heard "Curiosity killed the cat" but the adage goes: "Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back." The whole phrase says that there is no such thing as too many questions or being too curious. This is especially true when it comes to your career. Curiosity is important because it allows us to explore opportunities and try new things, have new friendships personally and professionally, and search out new ways of living life.

The bottom line is that curiosity has helped me become a better person.

Curiosity is the engine that drives me.

Plato wrote

Plato wrote "So ancient is the desire for one another which is implanted in us, reuniting our original nature, making one of two, and healing the state of man." My interpretation is that friendship, therefore, is a kind of medicine for the soul. It is a way of repairing the rift that exists within each one of us.

We all have a natural desire for human connection. Developing meaningful friendships is one method of meeting that need. It may aid in the healing of the rift and there is no greater meaning in life than connecting on a deep and honest level with others.

This is a sentiment that is echoed by many other philosophers throughout history. Friendship is seen as a way to make up for the deficiencies in our own lives. It is a way to find companionship and to feel connected to others. This can be incredibly important, especially in times of loneliness or isolation. When we are friends with someone, we open our hearts to them. We share our thoughts and feelings with them, and we allow them to see the best and the worst of us. We trust them completely and we hope that they will always be there for us.

Friendship is also seen as a way to improve our own lives. By sharing our thoughts and feelings with others, we can learn more about ourselves. We can also develop deeper and more meaningful relationships. This can make us happier and more content with our lives. Ultimately, friendship is one of the most important things in life. It can help us to overcome the struggles we face, and it can make us happier and more fulfilled.

Friendships will also help us when we are going through a difficult period, as our friends are there to provide comfort and encouragement. They can help us in getting over bad times and making the most of poor circumstances.

Of course, friendship is not perfect. There can be disagreements and misunderstandings. But overall, friendship is a positive force in our lives. It can make us happier and more contented, and it can help us to feel like we are a part of something larger than ourselves.

Friendship is a precious gift that deserves to be treated with care. We are giving someone a piece of our heart when we become friends with them. It's important not to take it for granted. Friendships may be painful to lose, but it is vital to keep in mind that they will always be part of our lives. They've. left an indelible mark on who we are.

For these reasons, friendship is worth celebrating.

audacity

I have a saying I like , “Audacity is the cornerstone of creative design and original thought.” Audacity is the perfect tool. With it, you can create anything you can imagine. It is the first step on the long journey to realizing dreams.

But what is audacity? It is defines as "boldness or daring". And that is exactly what it is. Audacity is about being brave enough to do what others say cannot be done. It is having the courage to stand up and be counted.

And it is not only for the fearless few. Everyone can tap into their audacity and use it to achieve great things. It doesn't matter who you are or where you come from. All that matters is what you are willing to do.

There are many reasons why audacity is so popular. Firstly, it is free and easy to use. It also has a huge range of features which means that it can be used for a wide variety of tasks. Being audacious can help you to be more creative and expressive in your work. Whether you are an artist, musician, podcaster, journalist or just someone who wants to create a funny voice, audacity is the perfect tool for you.

In addition to its features, audacity also has a very active user community. This means that you can find other audacious people to collaborate with, learn from and share tips and tricks. Audacity is the perfect tool for anyone who wants to be creative and expressive in their work.

So what are you waiting for?

Tap into some audacity today!

growth

growth

I grew up with an abusive father and that experience has led me to have fairly complicated relationships with the men in my life. As a result, I am fussy but easily open to getting into serious relationships, and when I do, I dive in headfirst not considering the actual depth of what I’m diving into. I’ve been lucky that when I do find relationships that can accept me for all of my quirks, oddities, and faults, they still love me anyway, and that makes me a very happy man. I am very loyal in a relationship, and I would do anything for the person that I care about. I am very enthusiastic, and I put my whole heart into everything that I do.

I have been in three serious relationships and twice I was the one who ended it. The first time, I was young and didn't know what I wanted. The second time, I was in a relationship with a wonderful person that was just not a good fit. I stayed in that relationship for too long just because I didn't want to be alone.

But I always live with the fear of never knowing how long love will last, whether or not I’ll be abandoned on the side of a road or have to worry if a situation will lead to hands being thrown or if my worth and value will be questioned or even ridiculed or when love and affection are going to be withheld for some minor transgression. These were the lessons that were passed down to me from my father.

It’s not easy breaking the cycle and unlearning what you’ve learned as a child. It’s not easy being a good role model for yourself especially when you never really had one for yourself. But it is possible, and it starts with recognizing the patterns that we fall into and making a conscious effort to break them. One day, maybe, I will be able to break the cycle for good. But until then, I will continue to try my best, even when I stumble, because that is what strong people do, they get back up, no matter how many times they fall, and they keep moving forward, always looking out for and still there to pick up the ones around them.

These complications also cause a tremendous amount of anxiety, when you grow up living with the unknown and a volatile element, apologizing becomes second nature almost instinctual, an obsessive and compulsive desire to fix things just so that you can feel loved again. I know that I am not alone in this. There are so many other people out there who have dealt with or are currently dealing with similar issues. When you have that anxiety, there is a voice in your head that is constantly berating you, constantly telling you that you are not good enough, that you are worthless. That voice can be incredibly loud, and it can be incredibly difficult to drown it out. But you can do it, you can drown out that voice by replacing it with the voices of the people who love you. The people who believe in you.

The obsessive need to apologize is closely tied to self-preservation. It is a way of trying to take back control of a situation that feels out of control. It is a way of trying to ensure that you will not be abandoned, that you will not be rejected. It is a way of trying to make sure that you are still loved and accepted. But it is also a way of denying yourself the chance to be happy. It is a way of denying yourself the chance to be in a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

It is time to let go of that compulsive need to apologize. It is time to stop trying to fix things that are broken. It is time to start living for yourself, and only yourself. It is time for the love that you have to offer to be accepted, instead of it being rejected out of fear.

These behavior patterns lead me into situations where I did not want to be who I was, to not be the name I was given, to not have the history I had lived, I wanted to be anybody other than who I was, all I wanted to do was escape into a fantasy of my choosing, a life I wish I had, instead of living the life I had. That fantasy life becomes a way to cope with the pain, to try and make sense of the senseless, to try and find a way to heal when the damage seems irreparable. To try and find hope in a life that sometimes feels like it's nothing but darkness.

I have always thought the people who have been hurt the most are often the ones who can love the most deeply. They understand pain in a way that others do not. They understand what it means to be vulnerable, and they are not afraid to show their vulnerabilities to the world. These people have been hurt by the world and their circumstances, but they have also learned how to give and receive love in a way that others cannot. They understand that love is not about perfection, it is about making mistakes and learning from them. They know that love is not about getting what you want, it is about unconditionally giving of yourself to someone else.

 And that is why I am writing this. I want people to understand that just because someone has dealt with or is currently dealing with difficult situations, it does not mean that they are weak. It does not mean that they are damaged goods. It means that they are survivors. It means that they are fighters.

So, if you are reading this and you feel like you are alone, or you feel like you are the only one who is struggling, I want you to know that you are not. You are not alone. There are people out there who love and support you, are there for you and will help you get through this.

I swore to myself that I would never be the man that my father is or was to me. I most certainly am not. As I get older, I see increasingly my father in the mirror. It's just a physical resemblance, but it’s a reminder of who I am, not who he is. My father was a sad, confused man who may not have been the best man he could have been, but that doesn't mean I have to be like him. I'm not going to let his past dictate my future. I have worked hard to create the life I want for myself, and I refuse to let anyone, or anything take that away from me. I am my own person, with my own hopes, dreams, and aspirations. And I will never give up on them, no matter what life throws my way.

I may not have had the best role model to look up to, but I am determined to be a good one for my own children someday. I will teach them about strength, resilience, and courage. And I will show them that they can be whoever they want to be, no matter what life throws at them.

Even with the best of intentions, there are times when I find myself slipping back into those old ways, ways that I swore I would never go back to. I am human and I make mistakes. The key is learning from them and moving forward. I have to give some credit to the complications of life; they have led me to where I am today. A place of strength and I am at ease with my vulnerability. A place where I can love openly and freely, but I still deal with the fear of being hurt and the fear of rejection. I’m at a place where I can be myself, flaws and all. And I am grateful for that.

For a very long time, I thought that my fate was to never feel unconditional love. That this is how it was supposed to be and that I couldn’t escape it. That the love I have to give was never going to be reciprocated or made to feel safe to do so. It wasn’t until I started working on myself and learning about my history and patterns did, I realize that this was not something that was happening to me but something that I had chosen.

I had chosen to be someone who I wasn't, who always tried to make things right regardless of the situation. Who always apologized for things they couldn’t control, but most importantly, I had chosen to be someone who believed that I was not worth fighting for that I was not worth saving.

But that is not who I am anymore. I know that I am worth fighting for. I know that I am worth saving. And most importantly, I know that I deserve to be loved and to be in a healthy relationship. One where my needs are considered and met and one where both parties feel safe and loved.

I have found that the best way to deal with this is to accept myself for who I am, to love myself, and to know that I am worthy of being loved. RuPaul says it best" If you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?” Truer words have not been spoken.

I also remind myself that I am not my father and that I will never be like him, and that love does not come with strings attached or is used as a weapon for emotional manipulation. I know that I deserve better than the horrible lessons he taught me and that I created a life for myself that is based on my values and beliefs, not his.

So, there is always hope. You can find happiness and love if you are willing to fight for it. It may not be easy, but it is worth it. I know this because I have been through the darkness, and I have emerged on the other side, stronger and more resilient than ever before.

So don’t give up.

Don’t give in to the darkness.

Fight for your happiness and your peace of mind.

It is worth it.

I promise you that it is worth it.

fuck some money

go f*** some money 

In uncertain times its best to focus on yourself and your career and your money-making opportunities. Be aware of the big picture. Don’t be blind or ignorant to what's going on around you, don't dwell on it every day either, it only makes things worse. 

Set daily goals for yourself and learn to accomplish them. Polish your skills and talents so you can maximize these opportunities when they arise in the future. Remember that in times like these, things change fast, and you have to keep up in order to succeed in whatever endeavor it is you want to succeed at [work, art, life]. 

Martyrdom does not pay bills or help others when they need it most. So, think carefully about how your actions will affect others around you before taking any steps that could possibly be construed as "martyring" yourself out on a limb just for attention from friends. 

Stay close to people who care about your wellbeing, but don't use them as a crutch or sounding board for problems that are only marginally their business. Keep them informed on what's going on with you but be aware of how much information is too much at any given time...it’s very easy to slip into self-gratuitous pity party mode when confiding in others and shutting out all reason and logic. If they want to help, then they will offer advice or suggestions. If you don't like what they say then take it with a grain of salt and ignore it or use it as a tool for finding your own answers, but don't fall apart emotionally because the person you were talking to didn't give you want you wanted to hear. 

Stay positive and keep yourself busy with productive work. That's what's going to get you through this time in your life where you have no idea what's going on next...don’t think about how scary that is just yet, deal with one day at a time and one step at a time toward the future. There will always be rough times ahead so expect them and plan for them...but never let them define who you are as a person. Don't look for sympathy, don’t obsess about what's going on in the world around you. Stick to your guns on what you know is right for yourself and others who need help or assistance that only you can provide them with. 

When I say go f*** some money, I don’t mean it literally, but mean it in a way that will steer and redirect your focus from distractions. The more distractions you have, the less productive you will be. I'm not even talking about items in your house, or fun things to do. What I am talking about are personal or professional goals that otherwise just suck away energy and time. We all want to make more money, right? I know that if you are like me, you spend some time thinking about how it would be nice to get rid of debt. We usually think about the stuff we want for example "I wish I had a new car." or "If only I could drop ten pounds" (Ughhh. this is my problem) 

The whole point of visualization is to take what you want and make it real. If your goals are not specific enough, they will remain elusive; they will keep out of reach. For example, when setting New Year resolutions people say things like “I want to lose weight." This is too vague. A better goal would be "By March 31st, I will lose 30 pounds”. You should be able to visualize your goal. You should know exactly what you want. This way every other distraction is out of the way, and you are focused on one thing, your goal. 

Every day, think about your goal for five minutes before leaving work or before going to bed. It's that simple! Think about it. Visualize it. That’s all. Five minutes a day?? Do you have nothing better to do? Do you need five minutes?? I think that’s actually pretty good, because if you don’t spend the first 5-10 minutes of your day thinking about what’s really important to you, you will squander away time doing busy work that only stalls progress toward achieving you. The more time you waste doing things that are not important, the more opportunities you have of never reaching your goals. 

Stop for a second and think about what you do every day. How many hours did you spend browsing social media? How many minutes did you spend on entertainment news sites? I bet the numbers are pretty high considering we only work 8 hours a day. 

The next time you get that urge to check your FB or Tumblr, I want you to hold off and ask yourself: "Is this really important?” If it's not, and it’s just wasting your time; walk away from it! Your five minutes is more important than checking for some new mew Kardashian scandal. If it is something that could potentially lead to stumbling upon something productive or informative like an article on personal development or maybe even watching a TED talk, go ahead if it won't take more than ten minutes. 

If you are not setting goals for yourself, you are missing some serious personal development. We all need goals, even if ours are simple or simple minded. If your boss gives you a goal ..., do it! That’s just being responsible at work. Everyone is expected to have objectives. They may not be labeled as "goals,” but they are still yours to accomplish regardless of what they think about them. 

The difference between goals and dreams is that "Goals" tend to have a time limit. Everyone is different but you should set your goals depending on your age and current situation. Other factors that might play into your decision are, how much money you have, and how many responsibilities you have (Work, family etc.). This is when personal finance comes in handy. If you knew exactly how much money you had coming in every month; it would be easier for you to determine whether or not what you want is realistic. 

Once again, I’ll say this only one last time …GO FUCK SOME MONEY! 

accountability

We have the freedom to choose whatever life we want to live but that does not absolve us of the consequences of those choices. We must take responsibility for our actions and not be so quick to blame others. We are accountable for our choices, not others. Like all people, I have made bad choices in my lifetime, and am still making them. Or I should say that I make some “not-so-good” choices. 

There is a critical point with choices made, and here it is very important to distinguish between accountability and consequences of choices. Accountability is about accepting responsibility for actions taken or words that were spoken, while consequences are what happen because of our decisions. Accountability does not mean that we are automatically entitled to or guaranteed a consequence-free life. Accountability is about being an adult and taking responsibility for our actions, whereas consequences are what happens because of our bad choices. 

I have had a lot of time to think while living in the country in the Hudson Valley over the past few years. One of the things that has been on my mind is how we sometimes try to blame others for our bad choices and then expect something good to come from doing so. It is like we are trying to get short-term satisfaction by feeling morally superior while at the same time we are also trying to escape the consequences of our bad choices.  

We are all pretty much adults, and we know what to expect when we do something not so good. We expect consequences, and the bigger the decision the higher percentage of risks there are for negative consequences. It is part of life. And while getting caught is always possibility, it does not mean that you will get away with your injurious behavior. 

 Accountability and consequences go together, but we often want to believe we can have it both ways: assume accountability for our actions while at the same time expecting no negative consequences from them. That is like trying to get a free lunch!  

The more I sit in the country and think about my past, it becomes apparent that I have been trying to get a free lunch. I try and assume accountability whenever I think it will benefit me in some way, but then I also expect nothing bad to come from my behavior.  

In all this, there is another critical point: An apology being offered for what has been done, is not an excuse. It is a way of accepting responsibility while at the same time making amends for your behavior. The reason people sometimes give excuses is to try and escape the consequences of their behavior. And while you will get no argument from me about how people can be "evil" (yes, I do believe such a thing exists), bad behavior results from the lack of self-control and self-discipline that we all possess. And even when we recognize our mistakes and try to correct them through an apology, there are consequences for those actions too. An apology does not guarantee that the person you have offended will accept it or forgive you. 

The biggest problem with apologies is that they often do not address the consequences of our behavior, and this brings us back to the question of accountability versus consequences. So, whether you truly are sorry or not, apologizing does not mean that you are entitled to anything other than what is deserved by your words and actions. If I am going to learn anything from all this then it must start by not repeating the same mistakes over again. 

I am not saying that I will always make good choices, but at least now I am going to be responsible for my own life. It is a process, one where I try and admit when I make mistakes, then accept responsibility for them, apologize and live with the consequences. 

Finally, here is a tip if you want to avoid consequences: Don't make choices that will result in them! 

being alone

I never really understood the need for alone time until I was married. For a lot of my life, I have been a person who has enjoyed being around others. Before my husband and I married, we talked about the fact that we both liked being social creatures, so there would not be any need for alone time in our lives. HA! This was something I should have listed in my vows when we got married: "I promise to never interfere with your alone time, and I give you permission to have the same for me." 

However, when we moved to NYC, we had no friends, no social network per se and we were around each other 24/7 in a small 1-bedroom apartment. There indeed were many days I went out by myself and did things on my own. We both had a challenging time adjusting to being around each other all the time. However, even if we were not physically together all day long, we were mentally together: planning what we would do, deciding what to eat, how to decorate our new apartment etc.  

At some point, it felt like we were just living together rather than being married. We started fighting about our needs for alone time because now, our need for social interaction was introduced to the relationship. At some point, one of us would step back and say, " I need alone time,” but we could not understand why this time alone request made us feel abandoned or distant from each other. At some point, it finally dawned on me that this was my new life. Just because I got married did not mean I did not need time alone to recharge. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I envied all the times I had "privacy" in my life, I realized how much it meant to me. Whether it was spending an hour by myself watching tv or reading a book, taking long lunch breaks at work, or having long-haul flights across the country, I realized how much I craved alone time. 

When we split it was devastating? It was the most painful experience I have ever had because it affected not only my immediate family but also our friends. But after several months of having to go through this process, and the immediate nature of having alone time forced on me, something amazing happened: I realized I was a stronger person. And not only that, but I also learned how to be comfortable alone and not feel guilty about it. 

I oftentimes think about what my life would be like if I had never gotten divorced. Would I still crave the alone time? Or would this desire for aloneness fade away as we got older and more tired physically and mentally? Would we have drifted apart? I do not know the answers to these questions. But what I do know is that I think our need for alone time would have eventually come up because it is human nature. We all need space, whether we are single or married! 

I was not afraid of needing to be alone anymore or even saying "I can't function around others because I need time to recharge every once in a while". It was such an empowering realization, and it has forever changed my life. I have realized that alone time is an extremely important part of my life. It lets me relax, think about things, get creative or just do whatever it is I want to do without having to answer to anyone else. 

We should never feel guilty for needing time to ourselves, whether we are married or not. We all have a certain amount of energy we need to maintain daily. It is up to us if we want to spend this energy with other people or alone, watching TV, reading a book, going for a walk or my favorite, writing. 

However, I understand that it takes time to adjust to the fact that you need alone time just as much as your partner does. One day they will read this article and realize how important it is for both of you to have alone time. It is up to us if we want our relationship to succeed or fail, so choose wisely. 

I have learned to communicate my need for alone time in a way that does not make me feel guilty or my partner feel abandoned. I also know when I should spend the day with my partner or friends and when we should go our separate ways. Having alone time can be extremely healthy and empowering and at some point, you will feel the need to do it and not feel guilty at all. 

I would like you all to remember this: "It's okay to need alone time" if someone does not give it to you, get it for yourself. You will be a better person because of it.  

guilt

Guilt 

Guilt is the feeling that you've done something wrong or made a mistake. Guilt can be useful in making people feel bad about their mistakes so they try to change their behavior, but it can also be used as a way of shifting guilt on to other people. For example, if someone spends more than they earn and cannot afford to buy food for their family, they feel guilty. But if their partner spends too much money on clothes and tells them they can't afford to buy food, they may feel angry with their partner rather than guilt about the situation. 

Guilt is powerful when it's based on empathy; seeing things from another person's perspective and feeling how they must be feeling. If you feel guilty when your partner tells you they are stressed, for example, then that's because you can empathize with them and see how they might be feeling. You don't have to do anything to help them or change the situation but just knowing how they feel makes you want to reach out and support them. Guilt can also be used to manipulate people into doing something they don't want to do. For example, you feel guilty because your partner is stressed about work, so you agree to give up your job so that they don't have to worry anymore. In this situation, your partner has used guilt to get you to do what they want. This manipulation makes it hard for relationships because you can't rely on people feeling guilty about what's important. Sometimes, the person who does the most might feel the least guilty and so there is imbalance in how much concern each partner has for helping one another. But if one person always feels guilty about their actions, they will feel resentful because it makes them feel too responsible for the problems in the relationship. If guilt is used to manipulate you into doing things that are not in your best interest, then it's not a good feeling. 

So, guilt can be good when it encourages us to empathize with other people and take their needs into account. But it can be bad when we use it to manipulate other people to do things they don't really want to do or feel responsible for things that aren't their fault. 

You may also feel guilty when you do not meet your own expectations, which can increase your feelings of stress and anxiety. For example, if you are giving a presentation at work but forget some important information you were going to say, you may feel guilty even though it was an accident, and nobody noticed. 

Guilt is a very common feeling, but it is not always appropriate. If you feel guilty about something, it's important to understand why you are feeling that way and how you can deal with your guilt. Talking with a loved one can help you to gain some perspective and work through the way you feel. 

Success

success

I have an insatiable need to succeed at everything I do. That may sound like a good thing, and in most respects it is. But some of my endeavors were not exactly positive for me or anyone else involved. But That need to succeed was not something in me naturally, it was not innate to my being. I can point to a single moment when it was created. Before I went back to school to get my degree in Interior design, a very good man told me that I was a great friend but was too unstable to date. It stung, but that lit a fire in me that is still burning today.

I decided that I was going to graduate from a decent design school and nothing was going to stop me. For the next few years, I threw myself into my studies with a vehemence that left little time for anything else. It wasn't easy, but I persevered through an entire degree without ever calling in sick or missing a class. I was fully vested in the process and my need for success burned so brightly that I could not imagine any other outcome than graduation day.

My drive to succeed became an addiction. Back then it seemed like everything else in my life took a backseat to this one goal, but now I look at it and realize that all of the efforts were worth it. No one told me what to do with my degree, there were no defined courses of action for a guy in interior design. So I did what was best for me, and did what no one else was doing, I specialized in lighting ,and I got a job working at a new lighting agency with one of the best in the industry and the best mentors I've had.

I was new to the agency and the owner, but everyone already knew who I was, the owner hired me and had put me on retainer three months before I graduated, three months before that, he offered me the position, I was six months away from graduation and not willing to sacrifice completing my studies and graduating. I turned him down, I told the owner that I was not ready yet. He was pretty surprised but promised to call me in three months, he did, to the day, and I accepted the job.

I was in a fantastic position and I was working side by side with the best in the industry for almost 10 years, that opportunity and education is what led me to where I am today. Success stemmed from pride and ownership of my work, I was part of something greater than myself and I was going to make it work. The need for success led me on a road of personal development and self-actualization, a journey that yielded some incredible results.

My drive to succeed is something that has never left me, no matter the task I have always pushed myself harder than anyone else around me, but now my drive comes from a different place. It stems from good habits and an understanding of what it takes to be successful in your field. So while I am still on the quest for success it is done with reverence and respect that I did not have when I was younger. I have more wisdom, I am better at what I'm doing, and I know the steps to success.

My drive to succeed is no longer an addiction but rather a tool, one that can be used for good or ill. One that can push me on when others give up or one that could cause harm if used carelessly. We are all born with the ability to create needs within ourselves, you can use this need for success in whatever manner you see fit. If you are looking for a way to live up to your full potential I suggest using it responsibly.

I've become a better man from my need for success. It's been almost 25 years since that day when an angel told me I was too unstable to date, and it's been almost 8 years since I left that agency. My need for success is still with me and I am grateful to the angel who told me what he did, but now I know that my drive and will to succeed makes me better.

I was never popular in school. I had friends but never felt that anyone ever really wanted to be seen with me. I never felt attractive, I always wore glasses and my skin was bad, my clothes were acceptable at times garish, and I spent most of my time trying to escape my circumstances in fantasy rather than socializing. I was not a good student, I graduated later but it was a small miracle. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and really didn't have the self-awareness to know that about myself.

I play hard and I love hard. It's also true that I sometimes go to extremes to accomplish my goals and dreams. I typically tell someone I love them first, and when they don't return the gesture I'm often left heartbroken. It does not deter me, I have developed a thick skin where my heart is concerned. But it's not easy, so many times I wanted to give up, but the need for success was something that kept me going through these hard years. The need for success in love was born out of pain and insecurity. It has led me on a path of personal development and while I'm still searching for love it is done with respect.

Success found its way into my love life, just as I found it in my work life. My need for success led me down paths that may not have been best for me but they all made me better, now I live with the memories of those roads and try to make them better ones, this is how I honor my past. I have to be successful in my love life, I try hard, sometimes too hard, sometimes not hard enough but I know the effort is always worth it. When I love, I love hard and will do whatever I must, to make things work, so I have no regrets.

My life is full of success and it's because I was willing to do whatever it took, to be whatever it took for me. You have to understand that being your best self will bring the greatest rewards in life, you must try harder than everyone else, but be persistent and patient, if you don't get it right the first time, try again.

My journey to get here was not an easy road. My need for success saw me through the hard times, it directed my focus on what was important and what mattered most. It gave me passion in a world where no one cares.

Now, instead of obsessing over success or using it as fuel to accomplish great things, I see my need for success as a friend who is always there with the right advice at the right time, an angel guiding me towards where I'm supposed to be.

Time can not be reversed or unwritten, but when looking back at my life I feel like time is a malleable thing, and anything can be changed if you are willing to give up something. I gave up the fantasy, the laziness, the entitlement, the lies, and the glamour of my youth for something real, for something true. I gave up the need to be someone else which is another thing altogether. My need for success today is different from what it was then, now I use it with an understanding of who I am and what I want. And for that, I am grateful.

And so my journey continues, with all of its bumps and curves I press on until the end. Because what's the point in doing this life thing if you can't be happy? If your days are not filled with light and wonderment then is there any point to this existence?

listen, don’t hear

I don’t just hear you, Now I’m listening

I can talk, I am comfortable public speaking, and can talk a lot and rarely at a loss for words. I need to talk less and listen more because my issue is my inability to hear people, or more so listen to what they are saying and fully understand them and their intent. I will nod and smile, but not hear anything other than what will fit into my imagined narrative. This has caused me to miss important information or not be able to fully understand a conversation. I need to focus on the person speaking, instead of trying to think of what I am going to say next.

I tend to hear what I want to hear because of the fuzzy gauzed lens of my desires, judgments, and preconceived notions. I need to clean that lens and listen with fresh ears, an open mind, and heart so that I can understand the person speaking for who they are, not for who I want them to be.

Listening intently means that not only am I paying attention to the words that are being spoken, but also the tone, volume, and energy of the person speaking. It means that I am making a conscious effort to understand their entire message, not just the bits and pieces that fit into my worldview. I'm working on it, but it's a process.

When I truly listen to someone, I am committing to fully understanding them, even if I don’t agree with them. I am giving them my undivided attention and showing them that I respect their opinion enough to hear them out. It takes practice, but the rewards are worth it.

Truly listening to someone is one of the most important things I can do for myself and others. When I am actually listening, I am opening up my heart and mind to understand another person on a deeper level. I am showing that I care about what they have to say and that I want to build a connection with them.

Listening is also a powerful way to communicate my feelings and thoughts. When I take the time to listen to someone else, they feel heard and understood, which builds trust and strengthens the connection between us. I can then use that connection as a foundation to share my own experiences and feelings, knowing that I will be listened to.

I need to be able to listen better to others because it allows me to better understand them and their point of view. It also helps me build better relationships with the people around me. Listening is an essential skill that everyone should improve.

So how can you become a better listener? The first step is to be aware of your listening habits. Are you always thinking about what you're going to say next, or are you zoning out? Are you only listening to respond, or are you truly trying to understand the other person's point of view? Once you are aware of your listening habits, you can change them.

Here are some tips for becoming a better listener:

1. Be present. When you're talking to someone, make sure you're focused on them and not on anything else. Put away your phone, turn off the TV, and make eye contact.

2. Listen with your ears and your heart. Pay attention to what the other person is saying, not just to the words they are using. Try to understand their point of view and what they are feeling.

3. Don't interrupt. Let the other person finish talking before you respond.

4. Paraphrase what the other person has said. This will help you make sure you understood them correctly.

5. Avoid judgmental comments. Don't judge or criticize the other person's point of view. Just listen and try to understand it.

6. Ask questions if you don't understand something. If there is something you don't understand, ask the other person to explain it.

7. Be patient. Listening takes time and practice. It's not something that you can do overnight.

8. Show interest in what the other person has to say. Let them know that you are interested in what they have to say by nodding, making eye contact, and asking questions.

9. Be respectful. Always treat the other person with respect, even if you don't agree with them.

10. Practice, practice, practice! The more you listen, the better you will become at it.

When I take the time to listen to someone, I are opening up our hearts and minds to them. I am building a connection with them that can be used to share our own experiences and feelings. To improve your listening skills be aware of your tendency to focus on yourself and try to make a conscious effort to focus on the other person. Pay attention to their body language and facial expressions and try to understand what they are saying instead of just hearing it.

Another way to improve your listening skills is by practicing active listening. Active listening involves paying attention to the other person, repeating back what you heard them say, and asking questions to clarify. This not only allows you to better understand the other person, but it also shows that you are interested in what they have to say.

Lastly, remember that everyone can improve their listening skills. It takes practice and effort, but the payoff is worth it. When you become a better listener, you will develop better relationships with the people around you. You will also gain a better understanding of their point of view, which can be valuable in discussions and negotiations.

So, talk less and listen more and see the difference it makes in your life.

rent free

rent free

You live in my heart rent-free,

You are welcome to stay forever.

You never have to worry about a thing,

I'll always be there for you.

If there is room in your heart,

Please make room for me.

I'll wait until its ready.

You are my heart's true place,

There's nothing like the feeling of coming home.

It's always warm and welcoming,

No matter what happens in the outside world

You live in my heart rent-free,

You are welcome to stay forever.

I love you.

Doubt

Doubt is a devil on my shoulder.

I am constantly battling with doubt. It is a constant thorn in my side, trying to convince me that I am not good enough.

Doubt tells me that I am not smart enough, or talented enough. It tells me that I am a fraud and that I am going to be discovered at any moment.

Doubt is a liar, and I have to fight hard to not believe it.

I know that I am capable of great things because I have accomplished many great things in my life, and I know that I can do more.

Doubt wants me to give up, but I am not going to let it win. I am going to keep fighting, and I am going to keep achieving my goals.

Doubt may be a devil on my shoulder, but I am not going to let it defeat me.

I am going to stay strong and keep moving forward

perseverance

Perseverance

I'm not saying that it's bad, or anything like that. Perseverance is definitely a virtue; but when you persevere at something for too long, even if it's the right choice, you become prideful and arrogant about your decision. This can turn into a downward spiral where you keep persevering because of this false sense of self until you're walking around with a half destroyed life.

" There's a time and place for perseverance, but it is not in all moments."

It's important to remember that perseverance isn't always the answer. Sometimes you have to stop what you're doing and re-evaluate your choices. This doesn't mean that you're weak and can't stick to your goals. It just means that you're human and should be allowed to change your mind every now and again.

So how do we know when to persevere or cut our losses? I think the answer lies in knowing yourself, gauging the risk/reward factor of a situation, and knowing your boundaries.

All of these factors will help you determine when to push through and persevere, and when to cut your losses and start over. Let's take each one individually:

Know yourself – You can't expect everyone to be happy or satisfied with the choices that you make. Sometimes we want different things than other people, and that's okay. You don't have to get everyone's approval for every decision you make, just be aware of how other people might react to your ideas so that you can prepare yourself mentally. If someone close to you doesn't support your idea or decision, take the time to reflect on why their opinion is in contrast with yours. Maybe it's something that you haven't considered and will change your mind. Maybe it means that the choice isn't right for you, and you can move on. Either way, knowing yourself is the key to making a decision after weighing all of the factors listed here.

Gauge risk vs reward – This is probably one of the most important decisions you can make. If you look at your choice and the possible outcomes, and decide that there's a very small chance for success or it simply isn't worth the risk/stress/effort then cut your losses and move on. This is where knowing yourself will come in handy, because if this decision holds a great deal of importance to you- you're going to have a harder time letting it go. There are definitely cases where reconsidering the choice only brings more risk/pain, and that's when you have to decide if perseverance is truly worth your sanity.

Know your boundaries – This is different for everyone. What I mean by this is knowing the kinds of things that make you happy, what kind of person you are (laid back vs high strung), and how far you're willing to go for something. I'm not saying that this is easy; it's definitely the hardest thing on the list here- but it's also important. If your life is full of stress and drama, you might want to reevaluate some of the choices that put you into that situation. If you're uncomfortable or feel like someone is taking advantage of your kindness then it's time to stop putting yourself through this.

Know when to persevere – This is where I think perseverance works best; when you know something isn't ideal but you've weighed all of your options and can't find a way out. It's okay to make less than ideal choices because you don't have other options. In fact, I think it's the only time perseverance should be used. The other side of this is when you know what your choice entails and you're going into it willingly- not because there isn't another choice that could yield less or more ideal results, but because you've decided this is the best route for you. These are the only instances in which I think it's okay to make a choice and double down on your efforts.

When to cut your losses – This one is a little harder, but it's also very important. Everyone has a breaking point- you know those situations that are completely out of your control and make you want to pull your hair out? You have to learn when enough is enough and put the effort into finding a way out before you lose yourself over something. The key to this one is knowing yourself and when you start doing things that are out of character for you, or when your stress/drama level gets so high it starts impacting other areas in your life. If these things are happening then it's time to reevaluate the situation because chances are there's a better choice somewhere else- even if you can't see it at the moment.

my inner child

I have a very sensitive, creative, insecure, and loving little boy that still lives in me. He still needs love and attention, and positive reinforcement. I need to start to treat him like he is a real child in need of protection, not a thing to suppress. He needs to be treated as if a stranger were to hurt him, I would protect him.

I need to start respecting his boundaries as I respect those of other adults, but others need to respect his/my boundaries too and I need to express them for him and for myself more clearly. This is the only way I can protect him while still living my life.

I need to give him strength and validation for the things he feels and thinks. He is a sensitive soul that should be allowed to follow his feelings and not feel ashamed for it. Kindness and understanding should be first the first response: NOT SHAME, REJECTION AND EMPATHY LACKING!

This may seem like a strange viewpoint, but after so much time being conditioned by my adult life and adult relationships to be and act certain ways, it is going to take a lot of effort on my part to undo what has been done. I want so much for this boy inside me to be able to thrive, to love and be loved and respected. I want to be able to take care of the boy inside me the same way that I would love my own child if they were hurting or afraid, but this can't happen until I give him what he needs. I need to be the man I needed as a child.

I need to give him back what he has given me throughout the years. A place of safety and security, someone to guide in the right direction while encouraging and celebrating his uniqueness. I need to give him back some of the precious childhood dreams he has given me that were never meant for me. I need to be able to accept his differences and treat them as strengths not weaknesses. I also need to allow him time to just play, and re-build confidence.

He needs a safe space where he can be spontaneous without having to worry about reactions or judgments from others.

In this way, I will give him the chance to shine.

If this boy inside is ever really going to find himself- I must find him!

body built of scars

an open wound 

fresh and familiar 

exposed and vulnerable  

the cut

is

so

deep  

air stings

completely avoidable

i’m tending  it 

i’m mending it 

everyday 

to help make the pain go away

it’s never fast enough

and no novocain 

the wound will heal

with care and time

a scar will remain 

i wish i could see 

but it’s there  

soft and tender 

reminding me

of the pain 

the scar will mature 

solidify and ease 

so will the memory 

and a lesson will be revealed

the pain will fade

but 

never 

fully 

d  i  s  a  p  p  e  a  r .    

i wash away the fear 

i wash away the pain

not just with tears 

as all things dissolve 

with the entropy of time

my triage skill remains sharp

i’m always ready 

for another cut 

and another scar 

to a

appear