ON CAPACITY OR WHY I DON’T TAKE SILENCE PERSONALLY
ON CAPACITY OR WHY I DON’T TAKE SILENCE PERSONALLY
Lately, as I’ve been throwing myself back into dating, apps, and my own ridiculous and delusional optimism, I’ve learned something important: capacity.
Not destiny.
Not soulmates.
Just… how much room someone actually has for communication, basic effort, and emotional adulting.
I figured this out the hard way recently when I wrote someone I still deeply care about a handwritten letter , yes, handwritten, because apparently I enjoy suffering , and got absolutely nothing back. Not a text. Not a “thanks.” Not even an accidental emoji.
And honestly?
I didn’t take it personally.
Why?
Because it wasn’t about me.
It was about their capacity , or, let’s be honest, their lack of it.
Some people just don’t have the emotional muscles to lift a response that weighs more than a grocery list. And that’s fine. Disappointing, but fine.
I see the same thing on dating apps.
I reach out, I say hello, I’m direct, and I’m “normal” enough for someone who’s survived two strokes and still thinks connection is possible.
Sometimes I get a reply right away , and it is thrilling.
Most of the time people take ages.
Fair. I’m not glued to my phone either, and I’ve been yelled at more than once for not responding instantly. Men love to treat unread messages like a national emergency.
My straightforward approach ends up being a test:
How fast do you crumble?
How weird do you get?
How long does it take before you show me the internal scaffolding of your life , sturdy, wobbly, or built from damp cardboard?
I’m always going to be first to suggest meeting for coffee or a beer because there’s no pressure. It’s not a proposal. It’s not a hookup. It’s literally a beverage. A chemistry check. Two humans seeing if they can survive an hour in public together.
If there’s no spark? Fine.
If they chicken out? Also fine.
If they disappear completely?
Still not about me.
And if I’m “not their type”?
Yeah, still okay, sure, and totally possible.
I can be… a lot.
But come on …
Not only is about attraction , It’s about their capacity: their nerves, their comfort level, their emotional maturity, and whatever unfinished wiring they’ve got going on.
What I’m not going to do , is turn someone else’s limits into my self-doubt.
Because I know my capacity.
It’s solid. ( mostly)
It’s warm. ( with time)
It’s got room for someone who can show up, drink a coffee, and be a human being for an hour.
No fireworks needed.
Just capacity.
